cactus

Savage would go on to wrestle four more times on this night, so whilst it's understandable that he's pacing himself, this wasn't a good match by any measure. Reed is way too sluggish and brings literally nothing to the table. After Reed beats on Savage a bit, he attempts a top rope move. He's thwarted when he spends way too much time trash talking Elizabeth and Savage lands an elbow drop to win. Donald Trump is sitting ringside for this event and it's interesting to watch his reactions. He look bored during Steamboat's match, but was grinning ear to ear during this, proof the man has zero taste. ★

While Steamboat would never come close to his match with Randy Savage the previous year during a Wrestlemania, he'd always put in a good performance. Valentine is a mismatch for him. He's too slow to keep up with Steamboat's crisp and quick style, and he looks awkward cutting him off. Thankfully he makes up for this by selling Steamboat's chops like he's a big redwood tumbling over. It's a touch corny, but it's endlessly entertaining. Valentine advances by countering a top rope cross body and grabbing a handful of tights, kicking Steamboat out of the tournament and out of the WWF for a few years. ★★¼

Since we last saw him curtain jerking at Wrestlemania III, Muraco has decided to turn face and become a Body Guy. He's tanned, jacked and becomes a babyface by recruiting Billy Graham as his manager. He looks awkward as hell working as a face and getting his shine in and he hits the world's worst Vader Bomb. Bravo's not much better, but he's always been mediocre. We get a crap finish as Bravo pull the referee into harm's way. He lands a piledriver on Muraco, but the referee decides to disqualify Bravo instead of counting the pin. This was too short to be anything too offensive, but it's still one of the many weaker matches on this event. ★½

Dibiase comes down to Trump Plaza with not only Virgil in his corner, but Andre The Giant too. If Jim Duggan wasn't so awesome in Mid-South, I'd happily erase him from wrestling history. Speaking off Mid-South, we see some very fleeting glimpses of Dibiase and Duggan's brawls from a few years previously here, but it's lacking the blood, intensity and crowd heat that made those Mid-South brawls so magical. Just as Duggan is building up some steam, Andre trips him and Dibiase advances to the next round after a knee lift lays Duggan out for the count. ★★

A 20 man battle royal for a massive trophy kicks off the event. Ron Bass, Sam Houston, Jim Powers and Ken Patera all make their sole Wrestlemania appearances during this. The Rougeaus are still here, and they still are yet to turn heel. Like most battle royals, there isn't much to write about the majority of the competitors are eliminated. They spend way too long with a full ring whilst Bob Ueker bickers with Jesse Ventura. The last three wrestlers are Bad News Brown, Bret Hart and Junkyard Dog. The heels double team JYD and eventually eliminate him. Brown and Hart celebrate, until Brown blindsides Hart with a Ghetto Blaster and eliminates him. Post match sees Hart destroy Brown's trophy in quite a memorable moment. This was what it was, but it's cool to see Bret Hart get a big rub so early on in his WWF career. ★★

Has there been a more dislikeable babyface than Jim Duggan in WWF? He decided to interrupt Volkoff singing the Soviet national anthem as he's in the land of the free. Fucking idiot. He sticks around and decides to manage The Killer Bees. Volkoff and Sheik get a lot of heat and the crowd even throw some garbage into the ring. The match is very simple and only lasts five minutes before Duggan decides to cost the Bees the victory by getting them disqualified by attacking the Russians with his 2 x 4. I'd be pissed if I was in the Killer Bees. ★½

It's Honky and Jake The Snake, so nobody is expecting a workrate classic, but they stick to what they know and the crowd eat up everything they do. The ever valiant babyface Roberts attacks Honky before the bell and rips off his suit. Ventura refers to Honky's attire as an Elvis suit, the only time I think they referenced Elvis when talking about Honky. Roberts is accompanied by Alice Cooper. Damien popping up in his bag got one of the biggest pops of the match. I love the spot where Roberts punches Honky into the ropes and HTM sells it like he's in a rocking chair. HTM steals the win, but Jake gets the last laugh as he smashes Honky's guitar, beats on Jimmy Hart and lays Damien on HTM. A basic match, but they did everything they set out to do well. ★★½

The definition of a popcorn match if I'd ever seen one. Koko surprised me with a high dropkick followed up with a cartwheel. I wasn't expecting that level from athleticism from him. Reed wins after flipping a Koko crossbody and grabbing a handful of tights. Tito runs down and makes the save. Nothing offensive, but they could of left this from the card and nobody would of noticed. ★½

It's so strange seeing The Rougeaus as babyfaces. This unremarkable bout just barely makes the four minute mark and it's only purpose is to lay the groundwork for Beefcake's face turn. After The Rougeaus land their neat looking finish, Dino Bravo runs in and helps the heels steal this one. Beefcake is annoyed by Dino getting in the ring. Bobby Heenan, Bravo and Valentine sneak out of the ring area on those cool ring carts, leaving Beefcake alone. This is isn't the last we'll be seeing off Beefcake tonight. These guys were capable of putting on something better than this, but this felt quite rushed. ★★¼

The commentators talk about the small performers like they are literal children. They get their little person shit in before it's time for Hillybilly Jim and King Kong Bundy get tagged in and stink up the place. Little Beaver tries to square up against Bundy and immediately regrets his decision. Bundy has had enough and lays out Beaver with a slam and a nasty elbow dropped, causing a disqualification and the heel little people to turn on Bundy. Not going to lie, I popped big for the Beaver assault, but there's nothing worth seeing here if you've already seen the famous ending. ★

A basic power match, pitting the two users of the Full Nelson up against each other. Hercules cuts one of the most batshit promos ever before the match, talking about his time in Ancient Rome. The match starts with an intense stare down after which Haynes gets his shine in before he's brutally cut off by a Herc lariat. Billy Jack Haynes refuses to tap out to Hercules' Full Nelson and once he's able to lock in one of his own, Hercules launches himself with Haynes still on his back out of the ring. The result of this one is a double countout after they refuse to get back into the ring. Hercules busts open and lays out Haynes with a chain shot. I'm not going to hate on the non-finish, as this made Hercules look like a monster and it protected the babyface from having to tap out from the Full Nelson. Decent enough. ★★

This felt like the last hurrah for guys who looked like Orton and Muraco as we are coming to a time where Vince wanted guys who looked like Warrior and Savage and not workers who were stocky and pudgy. Despite them not looking like a superstar in the landscape of 1987 WWF, Orton and Muraco were great at cutting off Zenk and Martel and bumping for them in that entertainingly corny 80's way. Monsoon refers to Zenk as the 'Excellence Of Execution' and Orton's long-term wrist injury has finally healed as he's cast-free here. This was an enjoyable match to open the card and the finish was quite creative, with Muraco accidentally back body dropping his own tag partner! ★★★

Feels more like a a Saturday Night's Main Event match than the main event of Wrestlemania, but it's completely what you would expect from Hogan. Bundy gets colour after having his dome rammed into the cage. Bundy then works over Hulk until he inevitably Hulks Up. Heenan isn't able to stop Hogan from escaping the cage, and gets beaten up after the bell. A completely forgettable main event, but Undertaker vs Sid still holds the honor of being the worst Wrestlemania main event ever. ★¾

Has Terry Funk ever had a bad match? You could throw him on any card in history and he'd adapt and deliver something worth watching. His performance here was his usual crazy Texan self turned up to eleven and he fights right in with WWF's style at the time. Dory is mainly here to throw some beautifully crisp firearms and look disgusted with himself for working for Vince's silly cartoon wrestling show. JYD is here to take the hot tag, so he doesn't hurt the match at all. This is an underrated match, and one of the few things worth seeing from this show. ★★★

Elmer is Khali levels of bad. You can still see glimpses of brilliance from Adonis, but he's well past his best days and his gay panic gimmick doesn't sit well with me. Adonis is still able to bump well, and that's what he does for Elmer until he is able to catch him off guard and get a win. I'll give this half a star for Adonis and his bumping. ½★

Even though this is still a throwaway undercard match, Steamboat is always going to impress and even Hercules put in a good shift. Hercules is deceivably agile and is able to match Steamboat's speed by hitting a high leapfrog during the opening exchanges. Steamboat sells Hercules' strikes wonderfully. The crowd make a lot of noise for Steamboat and pop huge for his win. While it's not a classic for the ages by any stretch of the imagination, it's still a brighter spot on this otherwise utterly crap card. ★★¾

A super physical match for 1986 WWF. After The Bulldogs get their shine, Valentine forces them to slow things down to his pace. The Dream Team put the beating on the Bulldogs, with Beefcake hitting a dangerous looking Hammerlock Slam and Greg Valentine even landing a freakin' Ganso Bomb. One thing stuck out about this match was that there was no traditional hot tag segment in this match, with the finish coming out of nowhere. You're probably not going to find many better matches than this on the 80's Wrestlemania cards. ★★★¼

The famous Battle Royal with the NFL players is much better than it has any right to be. The Chicago crowd go crazy anytime any of the Bear players get a chance to shine. Perry landing a double tackle on The Hart Foundation was a cool spot. Andre's body is nearing Wrestlemania 3 levels of broken, but he's protected by The Hart Foundation during the finishing stretch to not stink up the match. ★★½

Ergh, yet another pointlessly short match and there's even less stuff of substance here than the last match. At least the crowd seemed to lap it up. They punch around a bit, Kirchner gets cut open somehow, the referee gets knocks down and Blassie attempts to throw his cane to Volkoff, only for Kirchner to intercept. Volkoff is hit with the cane and he's pinned once the referee comes back around. All done and dusted in two minutes. ½★

There's not much to write about here. Moolah snapmares and slaps Mcintyre around. Mcintyre uses her speed to counter and land a few dropkicks. She misses a splash and Moolah covers her for a pin in under 90 seconds. I'll give them a star for effort and that they worked at a rushed pace for the entirety of the match, I guess. You will be seeing a lot worse from Moolah in just over a decade's time. ★

Yeah, this was garbage. Worked boxing is never going to look good even if Piper lands a few convincing punches and T's ducking and weaving looked half-way decent. The majority of strikes look like they couldn't even harm a fly. This ain't Rocky, that's for sure! The crowd aren't buying this and if they aren't sitting quietly on their hands, they are cheering for Piper. After four rounds of boredom, Piper gets mad and body slams Mr. T, causing a disqualification. DUD

For a guy who's clearly only here to do a job for an up and coming star, Wells gets a fair bit of shine after he comes out swinging. He has some decent punches and even lands a neat flying head scissors before Roberts catches him off-guard with a knee lift and lands a DDT for the win. After the match, Jake drapes his snake over the defeated Wells. Decent enough match to build up Roberts for bigger things. ★★

Whilst Savage would obviously have better Wrestlemania matches, this was carried by both men's charisma and by Savage's mind games. Steele gives Savage a beating with a bouquet of flowers that Savage tried to use himself, before Steele gets himself distracted by the simple sight of Elizabeth at ringside. I was shocked that Steele was allowed to kick out of Savage's elbow drop. Savage rolls up Steele for the win, with some assistance from the ropes. This was basic stuff, but campy fun nonetheless. ★★¼

A simple and standard match built around arm work, until the utterly shit finish puts a stop to the action. Orndorff looks great and is over with the crowd, and Muraco's stoogey selling on his arm made a basic hold just a touch entertaining. This is eventually thrown out after both men tumble to the floor and the ref rules this as a double count-out. The crowd aren't happy and treat us to some loud "Bullshit!" chants. I don't understand why we couldn't of gotten a decisive finish here. ★½

Even with the horrendous production values, they still convey that this is a big money match by bringing out a boatload of celebrities. This was better than your bog standard Hogan match of it's era as all the bodies fighting in and around the ring create a legitimate sense of carnage. Mr. T didn't look half bad out there due to Piper and Orndorff being complete pros. Piper's facial expressions and selling were excellent and combatted Hogan's hammy dramatics nicely. I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. ★★¾