PeteF3
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Everything posted by PeteF3
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Hogan starts off with complete bullshit and eventually wraps it up into something more coherent, which is sort of the opposite of how his promos for this feud have gone. It does say a lot that he believes Warrior's big accomplishment will be becoming the "#1 Hulkamaniac." Warrior encourages Hoke Ogan to seize control of a plane and crash it, presumably into the SkyDome. "You must self-destruct, Ho Kogan, so that you know who is...the Chosen One." Jeez, he's not only coming off as a messianic heel, now he's coming off as a cowardly one. "Beat yourself, so I don't have to"? That's the message of our new #1 babyface? -
Austin doesn't do a whole lot besides the sleeper. Akbar slips Austin brass knucks, but they're hijacked by Adams, only for Tony Falk to catch him for the DQ. Adams announces that next week will be a Scientific Wrestling Match between him and Steve Williams--one punch or hair pull is a disqualification.
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Garvin works this like Bobby Heenan, constantly running away from trouble and only tagging in at strategic points...and tagging right back out if he got touched. Travis does provide some funky offense--that weird sliding uppercut/neckbreaker thing, and a Vaderbomb/elbow drop, but the Jarrett FIP segment doesn't last too long and ends rather easily, and then we go to a double countout. I didn't pick up on the chant, though I did enjoy one fan taunting Garvin with an oversized baby bottle and Marc Lowrance's continued euphemisms to describe Garvin ("unusual" ... "the Liberace of wrestling").
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Bruno and Graham independently peg the number of wrestlers using steroids at 90%. Graham says he's the first pro athlete to come clean about using and abusing steroids, which he may actually be correct about--I think Lyle Alzado was a couple of years later. And that's about it--hard-hitting in-depth coverage worthy of the ET name.
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Wait, was this a DQ or did Tenryu tap? I figured that was why Hansen turned on him. Good stuff while it lasted, with a pretty epic tease of whether or not Tenryu could make the hot tag. The fact that sometimes the hot tag just didn't happen in All-Japan adds to the suspense of it. We get the makings afterward of a three-way feud, probably with respective factions, when Jumbo saves Tenryu from a Hansen attack, which doesn't curry much appreciation from Tenryu.
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Kobashi doesn't quite get everything right but a lot of the classic touches are already there--the rolling cradle, bodyslam+moonsault+kickout+cry and pound mat, etc. Most of this is worked very junior-y with the trading arm drags and faceoffs and kip ups and all that. We do get some good old-fashioned AJPW near-falls and a VERY well-done buildup to the Tiger Driver finish. Still, Misawa was pretty much going through the motions here and the first half to 2/3 of the match wasn't bad (except for that neckbreaker) but pretty unmemorable. The last part was more Stuff than great psychology (except for Kobashi trying to avoid the TD), but it was pretty fun Stuff.
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Paul E. does his best to get this over, claiming the Lethal Weapons are his best team and even declares that he isn't "doing a Lou Albano" and saying his latest team is automatically the best. Doug Gilbert is the "problem child" of the Gilbert family, which is saying something, and Paul E. doesn't even like him. They're not a "family," they're not a "stable"--they're an Alliance.
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The Pink Assassin minces around the ring while raking eyes and straddling his opponent on pin attempts. I love that they don't bother to edit this into a real music video, they just take footage and hit the Demo button on a Yamaha keyboard lay a synth track on top of it. Diamond Jim(?) says that he intends to "straighten this guy out." The Assassin, whoever he is, plays the gimmick to the hilt and declares that he is from Fire Island, New York--"and judging by that cowboy hat and that shirt, you've been there a time or two yourself!" Diamond Joe doesn't want to be touched by this guy and assaults him for doing it too often, repeats the "straighten this guy out" line, and gives him a spanking. Holy shit, I barely know what to say. Even in a not-overly-tolerant world like professional wrestling, Diamond Bill is about the most heelish babyface in history.
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Jesus, Atlas has been a fucking revelation here. What a complete fucking waste that neither of the Big Two were able to find any way to use him in a manner, at this point, befitting his absurdly underrated mic skills. I know he was past done in the ring, but THAT never stopped anybody in charge. Actually I'd like to have seen Atlas get involved in the Lawler/Snowman feud. At the desk they run down what actually looks like quite a fun card in Philadelphia, and Paul E. informs Paul Orndorff that he made a grave mistake in signing an open contract and allowing himself to face a member of the Dangerous Alliance. Was Leopard Man Johnny Grunge, or somebody else?
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VQ still makes it hard to understand Atlas, but he makes threats towards Rochester Roadblock, who's only challenging him because he's pumped full of steroids, and Tom Prichard. He wraps it up with an Elmer Fudd laugh! Tony also looks like a legit psycho badass--actually for a second I thought this was a way-early New Jack promo.
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Lawler warns Champion about showing up, even injured, to a wrestling program, where an accident might befall him. He illustrates this point by accidentally slapping Champion, then accidentally slugs him a few times, accidentally clobbers him with a chair, and is about to accidentally piledrive him on a chair when Eddie Marlin and Jerry Calhoun threaten him with a firing if he doesn't stop. Lawler then walks over Champion a few times as they're trying to help him out, and then throws a stool at him as they're carrying him out of the studio! Lawler is fucking incredible here as he was last week, just this constant lurking terror that hijacks an entire program if anything doesn't go his way, whether it's losing the Unified title or having water thrown on him. Champion's New Breed promos were pretty great...in their own way, I guess. So it's a disappointment to see how stilted and wooden he is in his role here.
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Lawler completely eviscerates Nate for having the gall to fetch him a pie (more advertising for somebody) without Lawler asking for it. Then Lawler's abuse turns physical as he dumps the pie on Nate, fires him, and then pounds the crap out of him for good measure--all to put himself in a better mood. Nate's "I quit!" promo is actually pretty fiery and effective. Worked brawling on a tile floor that's been covered with pie and milk sounds like an ACL tear waiting to happen.
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IT BELONGS TO JIM-MAY VALIANT. IT BELONGS TO MEMPHO, DADDY! At first I was kind of annoyed that Lawler's first priority was furniture rather than losing the Unified title, but he recovers to cut a strong promo on Valiant then hilariously gets silent and pouty when the fans get on his case too much. KIIIING FISH?? GOOO FISH!
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Valiant levels Lawler with his own chain before passing it off before he can be caught. Same ref bump spot as in the Texas match, but Frank Morrell doesn't go all the way down. Nate passes something to Lawler and he attempts to throw fire at Valiant but catches Morrell instead. Valiant gets a rollup and Jerry Calhoun makes the count, and Valiant is the new Unified World Champion!
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I'm flabbergasted that they would even allow this Warrior promo to air, especially in contrast to the Hogan one preceding. If one didn't know better they'd swear they were prepping for a Warrior heel turn, which isn't the effect you want to create for what is ostensibly your heir to the #1 Babyface throne. Warrior delivers a BDSM-tinged promo talking about how he needs no help from the normals and thrives on combat and talks of poisoning Hulkamania, and for the hell of it takes a potshot at "the God that you speak of, Ho Kogan." At age 8 I had not yet turned on Hogan at this point, and really wouldn't at all until his comeback in '93 and not fully until his arrival in WCW. But this is where I started turning on the Warrior.
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Valiant is slowly starting to turn into the sickeningly emaciated Boogie Woogie Man of the '90s and '00s. Lowrance pushes that Lawler has held the Unified title since SuperClash III, which doesn't make sense in real life or in kayfabe. Valiant makes out with Tony Falk beforehand in a visual I didn't need to see, but Lawler cracks me up insisting that that be a disqualification. Total clown show to start, which isn't befitting of a World title match but has me laughing out loud multiple times, and that's better than watching Handsome Jimmy wrestle. Valiant making out with the cameraman and the cameraman getting his own "KISSED BY VALIANT" chyron is about the most glorious thing ever. They work about as good of a match as you can possibly have with Valiant, as he can at least bump a little and sell in his own convulsing way. Falk takes kind of a weak ref bump and Lawler misses a diving headbutt (!) for a visual pin. After playing hide-the-object for most of the match, Lawler pulls ANOTHER object out of his boot and knocks out Valiant for the win. Lowrance is utterly incredible throughout all of this. I don't know how the soon-to-be Baptist minister kept it so straight describing the action of Valiant. This was everything Lawler vs. JYD wished it could be, because in his own way Valiant was a much better in-ring worker than the Dog at this point.
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Yeah, boy, another underwhelming appearance by Cactus. He just can't come off as crazy as the other two guys. Sullivan makes what is probably the first and only Kurt Vonnegut reference in the history of wrestling promos, and makes sure to emphasize that the Mad Dog was never PROVEN guilty. Sawyer had a lot of potential in this angle to make an impact on a national level, but his own problems ensured that it never came to be.