Taz v. Chris Candido

 

Total squash. Was over in less than a minute. The sort of thing that makes you want to stab Heyman.

 

Balls Mahoney/Spike Dudley v. D-Von Dudley/Bubba Dudley

 

This was fun. Balls looked like shit before Spike made the save, but Spike getting tossed to the floor and powerbombed from the top through a table was pretty awesome. Also Balls throws fire at Gertner after Gertner tossed matches at him. Entertaining all things considered though not a good match.

 

Super Crazy v. Taka Minchinoku

 

Made SC Top 100.

 

Tajiri v. Little Guido

 

Jesus this was good. Pre-match Tajiri comes to the ring and Guido taunts him by slapping him in the face and begging Tajiri to tag him. That sort of sets the tone for this as they work a weird cross of BattleARTS and highspot heavy junior wrestling but it really clicks. The early matwork is fairly flashy for the time period and really rugged wish some cool counters and escapes. Guido targets the arm and keeps coming back to it throughout the match, including a really cool cutoff spot off of a Tajiri dive attempt. There is also a great spot where Guido hits a dropkick to the arm knocking Tajiri to the floor and then Tajiri just sidesteps a plancha for one of many awesome Guido bumps. Tons of great spots in this including an insane faceplant on the ramp by Guido, a really sweet tarantula out of a sunset flip attempt, and an awesome Guido full nelson into armbar mat sequence that was really impressive. Even Big Sal was good in this as he was used sparingly, but set up an effective segment where Guido built heat on Tajiri leading to his big offensive barrage of brutal kicks and a brainbuster for the finish. Strong match. Unless I'm missing something this didn't get a single vote at SC which surprises me. I've seen a few matches between these two guys but I don't think I've seen a single one better than this. Easy nomination.

 

Tommy Dreamer v. Lance Storm (Street Fight)

 

This got a wee bit of support over at SC but wasn't anywhere near the top hundred. On paper this sounds like a disaster of a match but I've gotta say it's pretty damn good for a Lance Storm street fight, much less a Lance Storm street fight where his opponent is Tommy Dreamer. Beginning of this is just a wild sprint with big bumps on a guardrail they drag into the ring and a pretty crazy table bump from Storm. Tommy gets color and Storm carves his face up with a belt buckle which is kind of funny. Ladder gets brought into play and they work some pretty fun and effectively brutal Roadrunner/Wiley E. Coyote spots with it. Storm eats an insane DVD through a table, but after ref bumps and some bullshit with Cyrus and the ladies Storm ends up winning with a top rope dropkick onto Dreamer who was hooded with a trashcan. This was non-stop, go, go,go wrestling but it passes the test for me because it felt like two guys trying to beat the shit out of each other and going for the finish from the jump. Solid Nomination.

 

Rob Van Dam v. Jerry Lynn

 

Finish on SC Top 100.

 

Sid v. Justin Credible (EXTRA)

 

Exactly what you would expect. Sid demolishes Credible. Credible being a good bumper and Sid being charismatic as fuck made this pretty awesome but it's not even really match. Post-"match" is even more awesome as Impact Players beat down Sid and set up him for a table spot only for Sabu to run in, vault Sid on the table, beat the shit out of the Players then crush Sid through a table and a "security" guy through another table. Then Sid powerbombs Jeff Jones to shit. It's not likely to make the cut, but I'm going to tag this as an EXTRA for the time being because it's one of the most fun "crash" segments I've seen from ECW.

 

Bubba Dudley v. Taz (Falls Count Anywhere)

 

This had no god damn business being as good as it was but this is Hardcore Heaven 99 which apparently is the best major show this company ever ran (who knew?) and there really arent' any bad matches. They do a good job setting this up as a blood feud pre-match with Bubba talking about how they beat Taz' cousins ass earlier that night. Taz hits the ring and after forcing Bubba to the outside announces it is Falls Count Anywhere and they proceed to have a really solid brawl. Bubba is pretty great taunting the crowd throughout and even though he doesn't have much in the way of offense other than clubbering, Taz bleeds a fucking gusher and the crowd stays molten for Bubba's antics. At one point Taz is covered in blood and starts screaming for Bubba to hit him and you think you are going to get no selling midget Taz but he sells the blood loss and after they throw a ref through a table he takes a very effective nearfall off of a Bubba bomb. Finally makes a comeback with a Tazplex though table and tazmission for the finish. This was not a great match, but I'm going to give it a low end nomination as it is something that hit right on several notes and both guys came out of this looking like tough sons of bitches.

I really want you to post a thread re-evaluating this show. I remember SKeith shitting on the show so I went back and read his thoughts. He is an idiot but I couldn't help but laugh at the difference in opinion here. I will say that the 12/17/99 Fancam may be the best ECW show ever though.

 

- Live from Poughkeepsie, New York.

 

- Your host is Jo-Jo, with help from Cyrus (he’s a Virus, you know) at various points.

 

- Chris “Dead Meat” Candido and his crack whore come out for the opening interview, and he decides to invite the Dudleys out as his “insurance policy”. Hey, maybe he’ll have a chance in hell now. I think even Paul E. realizes what a lame main event this is. And indeed, here comes Taz RIGHT NOW? Huh?

 

- ECW World title match: Taz v. Chris Candido. Midget wrestling at it’s finest, as Chris taps about a minute in. And there’s your main event, kids. Isn’t Paul E. a f*cking genius? He’s the best booker of his generation, you know. DUD Man, if I had been one of the dumbasses who actually ordered this show based on wanting to see that match, I’d be pissed. But Paul E is a genius who loves his fans, right, so there’ll be something big later, right?

 

- Um, do you think Chris might be going to WCW? Just a guess.

 

- And now the Dudleys are given the mike and allowed to talk. We ran off Sandman, broke Beulah’s neck, ran off Saturn, yap yap yap. Ballz Mahoney attacks them, and does pretty well until they double-team him. Spike Dudley comes out to help. Oh, yay, because if there’s one match that HASN’T BEEN FUCKING BEATEN TO DEATH, it’s Spike Dudley v. The Dudley Boys. So this is the big surprise, eh? Spike Dudley and Ballz Mahoney. Not quite the LOD or TPE. The usual crappy Dudleys v. Spike match follows, with the hilight being Joel Gertner hitting a limp-wristed chairshot on Ballz, followed by his attempt at a fireball (which is basically him throwing matches at Ballz). Ballz retaliates with his own fireball (which misses by a good three feet — Jim Cornette needs to give these guys a lesson in fireball throwing), but turns around and gets 3D’d for the pin. Whee. DUD, DUD, DUD

 

- We’re less than 20 minutes in and I’m sick of this show already.

 

- Super Crazy v. TAKA Michinoku. Blasphemy! Taka is using Sasuke’s music. Taka controls to start, teasing a tope. Crazy hits a swinging DDT and Taka bails. Taka is totally playing heel. Match builds nicely, with Taka missing the springboard tope, then the camera totally misses Crazy’s quebrada. That’s just sloppy camerawork. Crazy goes to work on Taka’s knee (HEY! What’s that psychology stuff doing in a lucha match?). Taka misses his moonsault and Crazy does the three-step moonsault and gets two. Taka comes back again with the dropkick to the head and the Michinoku Driver, but goes for another one and it gets reversed to a Ligerbomb for the pin. Odd ending, and a disappointing match. **3/4

 

- Backstage, the Dudleys attend to Joel’s burns, and decide to take out their frustration on a bunch of people backstage. Target #1: Supernova.

 

- Little Guido v. Tajiri. Stall-o-rama to start from Guido. Slow start with Tajiji working on the knee of Guido. Tajiri hits a couple of highspots and the Tarantula. I really like that move. Sweet facefirst bump by Guido as takes a header to the rampway. Guido hits a rockerdropper on the rampway and takes over, however. More decent stuff back in the ring, then Tajiri comes back and they trade some stuff, with Tajiri hitting a brainbuster for the pin. This was pretty good, but neither guy is going anywhere. ***

 

- YET ANOTHER Tommy Dreamer video, with “River of Deceit” providing the melodramatic soundtrack. Speaking of deceit, it’s not very nice to hype Shane Douglas in the pre-game show and here if you know full well he’s not showing.

 

- The Dudleys continue their quest, this time finding and beating Rod Price. I’m sorry, is there a point to this?

 

- ECW live event shill.

 

- Lance Storm v. Tommy Dreamer. Storm makes Beulah/Bytch/Dawn Marie/whatever the f*ck she’s called now put her panties back on before the match. Stick in the mud. Tommy brings his new T&A source to the ring: Francine. There’s a bunch of toys in the ring. Guess New Jack wasn’t available tonight. Note to Lance: Don’t sunset flip someone holding a garbage can lid. They end up on the ramp and Lance reverses an airplane spin (A FUCKING AIRPLANE SPIN? Shoot me now…) into an inverted DDT. Sloppy spot. Really ugly…something…I think it was supposed to be a Russian legsweep…gets two for Storm. I couldn’t even make out who was supposed to be selling it. A railing ends up in the ring, and as per his contract, Dreamer gets crotched on it. We have some satellite problems (“Hello, Mr. Heyman, this is Rob Morgan from USSB…about that cheque you wrote last week…”) and comes back with Tommy taking a hiptoss over the top, onto a conveniently placed table. Back in, and Tommy blades, then hits a chair-assisted Stunner. Brawl outside the ring, and a ladder gets involved, with a couple of dumb spots resulting. Storm takes a DVD through the table, and the overbooking begins. Cyrus runs in, and gets taken out and Broncobustered by Francine, who gets attacked by Dawn Marie, who gets piledrived by Tommy Dreamer, who get nailed with a garbage can by Storm and pinned. Got all that? About on par with the other hardcore stuff in the Big Two, but Storm shouldn’t have to lower himself to doing this crap. **1/2

 

- We’re a little over an hour in with only two matches left. What’s going on?

 

- Dudleymania continues, as Jack Victory gets beaten.

 

- Taz threatens the Dudleys.

 

- Joey blabs.

 

- ECW TV title: Rob Van Dam v. Jerry Lynn. Rob gets the monster face pop, and Jerry Lynn is working heel as a result. If Paul E is smart, Lynn goes over for the title and Fonzie turns on RVD and joins him. Mat wrestling to start, like last time. Way too much stalling here. Crowd is totally into RVD. Okay, Paul, PUSH RVD NOW! It doesn’t matter if he sucks, the crowd is eating him up and you need something to jumpstart your sorry little fed right now. Another wrestling sequence and more stalling. Lynn gets the first highspot with a plancha. He takes control with a bulldog off the second rope, but RVD and his best friend the chair come back. Lynn blades. More stuff outside. What’s with all the stall tactics here? About half the match has been walking around outside the ring so far. Back in and RVD does his usual stuff. Lynn gets a powerbomb for two. Back outside, more stalling. Lynn tries a rana off the top, through a table, but RVD backdrops Lynn to the floor. More outside stuff and back in for an RVD two count. They tease the spot through the table again. Back in for more stuff, and then RVD ends up going through the table on a powerbomb. A nice sequence with a chair leads to Lynn getting a german suplex for two. Both guys to the top and they badly blow a superplex spot when Lynn slips and falls. Lynn with his own Vandaminator for two. RVD is just totally blown up here, sucking wind like nuts. Must be the pot before the match. Lynn literally carries him through a pinfall reversal sequence. Rob hits the twisty legdrop and five-star frog splash for two. Vandaminator for two, and another frog splash for three. What the hell? Why all the hype for the rematch if Van Dam is just going to go over again? **1/4 Stylistically, it was a mess, and the stalling killed it for me.

 

- More blabbing from the Dudleys, and now Big Dick returns to ECW, dragging Chris Chetti in to get beaten. What is the point here?

 

- Joey announces that, by the way, Shane is gone from ECW and won’t be at this or any other ECW show in the future.

 

- Justin Credible v. ??? Aldo runs down his victims, and issues an open challenge. BIG MISTAKE.

 

- Justin Credible v. Sid! Okay, this is easy, right? Chokeslam, powerbomb, everyone goes home happy right? Well, Sid kicks Justin’s ass for a bit, then Jason’s ass, and even Lance Storm’s ass, but powder in the face earns a DQ for Justin. A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION? IN ECW? The one redeeming thing about ECW is that you can usually count on a clean pin, and we get a DQ? Screw this shit. DUD Sabu makes the save for Sid and accidentally puts Sid through a table. Sid powerbombs Jeff Jones.

 

- Okay, we’ve got half an hour left and no more announced matches.

 

- Buh Buh Ray Dudley is out to waste more time, slowly going through his usual rant. Is there actually going to be a match or is Buh Buh just going to challenge more fans? Oh, geez, here comes Taz, pardon me while I shit my pants with excitement.

 

- ECW World title match: Taz v. Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? *This* is the main event? Please someone tell me that this is a sick practical joke being played by Paul E. They fight into the crowd (where half the arena — and the cameramen!) can’t see anything, and into the back. And they come back. Taz has sliced open an artery along the way. E-C-W! E-C-W! D-Von interjects himself as our little viewing party comes to grips with the fact that THIS is the main event. Hello, Chris Candido, a talented worker and everything, was RIGHT THERE! BBR methodically sets up two tables in two corners, and the ref gets put through one of them. Pee Wee takes his place. 3D gets two, and of course Buh Buh gets put through a diagonally placed table. Why would ANYONE be so FUCKING STUPID as to set that table up in a Taz match? You’d think after, what, 3 years of that spot people would learn. Katihajime, tap out, end of show. I am truly in disbelief at this turn of events. -**

 

The Bottom Line: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!? Chris Candido jobs in the first match in under a minute, the main event ends up being Taz v. Buh Buh for god’s sake…Justin can’t even lay down for MOTHERFUCKING SID…this is insane. This is crack-induced booking at it’s worst.

 

I mean, I supposed the middle portion was okay, but who cares? How can it possibly justify the…whatever the hell the rest of the show was supposed to be?

 

I also noticed that no mention of the mythical TNN deal was ever made (sure, it’s coming any day now, right), and no mention of the next PPV was made. Bad sign. Bad, bad, sign for ECW. So what’s next? Taz takes on every member of the roster in the same show? Paul E signs the Pope to a one-show deal and jobs him to Justin?

 

I know I’ve predicted ECW’s imminent downfall before, but the smell of death is on this promotion. I felt it with SMW, and I feel it now. You might want to watch ECW TV while you can, because if this show is any indication, it won’t be around much longer.

 

Thumbs way down.

I might post a thread about this show on the DVDVR or maybe even here later this week. In order to do that I really ought to watch the two matches I skipped over. Keith's review is stupid and it actually makes me ill to think that douche gets paid to write about wrestling, a job I would kill for (well technically I've been paid to write about wrestling twice - once with Steve Forbes and Bill Bennett's money - but that's another story).

 

Also agree that 12-17-99 was a better show, though it ended on a low note which is always a downer.

SK was just in the right place at the right time... when Wrestleline was peaking in 98-00.