Sometimes I think my family's curse is clumsiness. My grandfather, mother, and father are all famous for taking some Wide World of Sports-worthy tumbles. I myself have probably had as many spectacular falls as Mick Foley. Until tonight, I've never got hurt. I can take a bump like a pro after years of experience falling off stuff.

 

Tonight on my way out to do some shopping, I failed to notice that A. melted snow was dripping off my porch roof and B. it left a sheet of ice on my top porch step.

 

I end up parallel to the steps and I land ass-first on the second step with my tailbone meeting Mr. Concrete. To say I'm sore would be an understatement. It actually didn't hurt too bad while I was walking around shopping, but once I sat down it felt like I literally busted my ass.

 

Lucky for me I have enough Jack Daniel's and ibuprofen to deaden the pain.

 

So while I sit here drugged up and semi intoxicated, I wonder if anyone else here has had any spectacular falls to tell about.

In 4th grade, there were some girls chasing me around a table at church. I trip on a chair leg, land on the left side of my left foot, and tear every tendon along that side. Not only that, I walk on the foot for the next two hours, limping through a tour of a local college's TV studio. A gritty, clutch performance if ever I saw.

 

Other than that, I have countless ice-related falls - I have absolutely no dexterity to my name. I bonk my head on random inanimate objects too. It's a wonder I'm still alive, actually.

I'm also prone to walking into things but not really falling(I have a remarkable skill to stay on the feet whilst nearly falling despite having no balance at all otherwise). If ya ask me to walk a beam, I'm falling off that thing.

 

Anyways, because I'm impatient when it comes to walking behind people I tend to skirt around them and smack into door frames and walls and stuff. Usually it just results in a quick bruise. I managed to get a good bruise after a friend shoved his friend into me, causing me to crash into a set of lockers with my shoulder. Didn't help that the bastard then fell on top of me as I fell.

 

Oh! I did witness a fellow classmate a week ago or so take an uber nasty spill. Wasn't hurt but he was going down steps covered in ice, hits the 2nd or 3rd step and flies into the air. I'm talking right out of a movie type flying into the air, horizontal to the ground, arms flailing type shit. Boom! Lands backfirst on the edge of the second step with his head narrowly avoiding the edge of the top step. His backpack took all the brunt but damn if that didn't look painful as hell.

Not only that, I walk on the foot for the next two hours, limping through a tour of a local college's TV studio.  A gritty, clutch performance if ever I saw.

 

MiB > Curt Schilling & TO

I'm not very clumsy most times (though I did jaw-jack myself on some carts at Wal-Mart last night - fucking ice) so I'm gonna tell you what my friend did once.

 

Now, first, you have to understand that, at the time, this dude weighed somewhere around 350-400 pounds, no lie.

 

So anyway, we're at this Halloween party, and being complete nerds, I dressed as Raven and he dressed as Foley. Now, because it's a party, the place is decorated, and as a result, there's some sort of Halloween-style tarp-thing hanging from the wall by the stairs, so that you cannot see the rail.

 

My friend, being new to this house, assumed that there was a WALL there, so he leaned against it.

 

Of course, he went right through the rail, and then through a desk; he wasn't more then 5 feet from the ground I don't think, but HOLY SHIT, did he ever stop that party dead in it's tracks. Everyone crowded around to see if he was okay, and the first thing he said was "Alison, I'm really sorry about your stairs".

 

Of course, being one of his best friends, I started laughing my ass off. Good times.

The only thing that would have made that story better is if the whole party started chanting ECW! ECW! while he was lying in the wreckage.

Sounds like your friend lives in a van down by the river.

Let's try one of these accident prone stories...

 

I had just met a girl I was really interested in and the first time I went to her townhouse i found myself tripping off of the last two stairs to the basement... and landed my foot through her drywall. 8 inches, 2 hours, and a lot of spackle later...it was fixed.

 

Drove a friends minivan one time and thought I'd throw the sucker into neutral while we were coasting but I missed neutral... instead I scored a free trip to reverse and shut the car down and stopped it in its tracks. Luckily the transmission didn't go but that was scary.

 

Used to drive another friends cabriolet around and one day on my way to church it just stopped working. Apparently the battery and alternator decided to both die at the same time... and i tore the alternator belt? It was bound to happen if you ask me.

 

I'll stop. I have way to many of these stories.

The only thing that would have made that story better is if the whole party started chanting ECW! ECW! while he was lying in the wreckage.

Not quite, but one guy looked at me and yelled "He is gonna SHOCK the world!"